My life is an alternating loop

 

I will not change anything in the text of my dissertation anymore. I have sent the form for the exact word-count and as soon as my supervisors sign, I will send it off.I thought of myself as being in transit first, but I feel more like being in a loop. I re-experience earlier transitions of ending one job and starting a new one or moving from one place to another. 

It seems as if I always need to change place to get closure. 

I always feel a bit burnt out and alone because I could not yet share the happiness with people around me who seem to be excited about my ­– what they consider – accomplishments. 

I feel ­– not afraid, that’s too strong – but restless und uncertain, because my goal is to travel and be able to keep my lifestyle. I think of myself as not being the kind of person who can easily let go of my comfortable living situation (despite all its downsides), my academic work; the idea to find a stable job, a new home in a new city. I wonder where I will get the energy from, but again I remind myself that I am in a loop.

I have done this before, I left people, places, countries, jobs behind and even though I am not in my twenties anymore, I know I can do it. It won’t be harder, but slower and even more relaxed, because what I gained is a sense of calmness and kindness towards myself.

I won’t settle anymore for a flat with no furniture and electricity to live in London.

I won’t choose to live with people who rent out cells in Berlin only for the money.

I will not pick a job with sexist colleagues.

I will not move to a city where I do not have at least one friend or family member.

I won’t share my dreams and ideas about an ideal workplace or place to live. I like to keep things to myself.

If I manage to remain in my loop with slight adaptions, things can’t go wrong. I like to look into the future. I rarely look back. I appreciated my PhD much as long as I did it but, although I still have my oral examination ahead, it already seems to be a thing of the past. I know that I am not the only one thinking that way. It’s this phenomenon of doctoral students who finish their thesis, disillusioned, and seem to somehow delete this chapter temporarily from their memory.

This thesis was more about the process than the final outcome. My life is an alternating loop.